Okay, it's gonna be hard to compete with the frontrunners at this point, dale and BF, whom I admire and respect greatly, but I'll give it a shot. Now, I don't have the relationship with you that these two hilarious gentlemen have been fortunate to have with you, they have a two year headstart. So, I will take a page out of ray comfort's playbook, and I'm going to lie, that's right, I'm going to lie my ass off to get what I want from you. Pardon me, that is to say, I'm going to lie my perfectly shapen, chiseled ass off to get what I want from you.
You see Wee, I have what doctors call Comfomianoconjunctivitis. And what that is is a rare disease, don't bother looking it up I beg you, it's a rare disease that causes me to lose all bodily functions, my eyes and ears bleed, my left leg falls asleep so I walk in a circle, I have songs by the band Creed playing in my head at all times, my credit score dips a couple hundred points(true story btw, my identity was stolen a few years back and my credit score actually went UP), and the only thoughts that my brain has are "get rich quick" schemes that are terrible. For instance, I know a guy who had Comfomianoconjunctivitis who went broke trying to push condoms that came with coupons for Gerber.
So you see, I'm in a bad spot. But the good news is the disease is easy to forecast. It just so happens that I know the exact date I will be stricken with this horrible disease, you guessed it, JANUARY 1st 2011! My doctor, Lando Calrissian, said the only preventative measure I can take is to read doggerel made in my honor by a beautiful Canadian woman. So, please, spare me this unfortunate fate, you're my only hope!!!
With a name like Smucker's, it has to be god.