Before anyone asks, there "may" have been some alcohol involved. And perhaps a little "herbal" err, tea. Yes, tea
These posts I originally placed on Ray Comfort's site. I have deliberately left them as they were. At the time, I deliberately refused to correct any errors or do any rewrites (with one slight exception, but it is not really relevant). And, in large part, I set out to deliberately commit some horrible obvious mistakes. Will likely all be pretty evident. Not saying its amateurishness is entirely because of that, just that much (some) of it was deliberately so.
Also, I don't know if this will enhance the reading or detract, or have no effect but for me Elder Grimm has the voice of David Mitchell.
On with the first installment...
Elder Grimm knew that the time had come, the dreaded Nazi penguin hunter Klaus Von Biffel was close.
He called out to the other penguins, alerting them to the danger, a call to arms they had been eagerly waiting for.
First came Nicholas, the agile young penguin with the rapier wit, a hit among the ladies and deadly with a knife in his fin.
Next was Pita, a short girl with the most striking green eyes any man had seen. Looking into them might mean death, for this deadly huntress was a master with poisons and various methods of their delivery which may be mentioned later but will not be outlined here in case I don't think of something now that I think of later and it's really cool and I want to include it but feel limited, that wouldn't be groovy for me.
Last came the rotund bulk of Slim George. George was actually a walrus but he had sass, and Elder Grimm was penguin enough to know that sass counted for a lot, and that made George an honorary penguin in the eyes of their merry band of troublemakers.
The small basement they were in didn't allow much room for them to prepare any serious defenses, but some overturned tables and a massive pile of discarded dodo carcasses gave them some measure of cover.
From the house above came the tramp of nazi jackboots, and the words of the Nazi song they sang came down to the three penguin and one honorary penguin commandos.
"Hit me Baby, ONE MORE TIME"
"Damn those Nazis," spat Nicholas. "That was my favourite song, but now it will always mean Nazi to me. Nazi Nazi Nazi. Nazis are bad. If I clubbed a baby seal, I would almost be as bad as a Nazi. But if a Nazi clubbed a baby seal... GRRRR"
"Calm down, Nick," Elder Grimm warned him. "You know what can happen if you let your anger get the better of you. We all remember what happened that time back when you lost your temper in the Battle of the Bulge which may or may not have happened yet we're currently being a bit vague on the timelines, but next to penguins and Nazi penguin hunters I still think I'm on pretty solid ground with this so far."
"I don't understand most of what you said just then," Nicholas hissed through clenched teeth. "But I dig your vibe, and making me think of my favourite songs reminded me of this sick trance number I heard so I'm kind of letting that calm me."
Then there was the sound of splintering wood and there was no more time to prepare. The first Nazis down the stairs died in a hail of bullets, but soon the penguins were pinned down behind their meager cover.
The deafening sound of machine gun fire stopped, it had started with the firing but despite not being explicitly mentioned till now I expect you will of course have assumed it was when I mentioned bullets, you have to keep up your end of this you know it's not all suspension of disbelief and literary license you know, some of it is just simple hard slog by you, the reader. So just fill in some details yourself, there was moments of doubt, maybe a penguin took a bullet in what seemed like a life-threatening injury but will shortly be revealed to just be a flesh wound or possibly a miss entirely, with previous mentions of a wound being forgotten with a laugh and a smile.
Yes, so all that's happened.
The voice of Von Biffel came down to them from the house above;
"Come out and ve vill let you live."
"I don't believe you," Elder Grimm called back. "Your use of obvious silly accent features like v's instead of a w leaves me doubting your sincerity."
"You leaf me no choice zen. I triet to play nice, but you damn pengvins vill no longer be a dorn in my side! De Zurd Reich vill vin dis voor, ve vill have de Fruttenshpatter! BRING IN ZE VELOCIRAPTORS!"
"Crikey!" said Slim George, "I don't like the sound of that, Boss."
"None of us do, George," Elder Grimm replied, slamming a fresh magazine into his faithful old Browning-Thompson machine gun, his weapon of choice because I remember it well from a number of various FPS titles including but not limited to a number of the Medal of Honor series and I am pretty sure at least 1 of the early Call of Duty titles.
From the house above they heard the squeals and various other sounds made by Velociraptors, as made famous by such films as the Jurassic Park series. Again, you gotta do some of the work, they're Velociraptor sounds, you fill in the gaps.
"We're in trouble," Slim George growled.
"I don't know if Pita will make it, she's lost so much blood!" sobbed Nicholas, referring briefly back to the potentially life-threatening injury I alluded to earlier but which has not yet reached reached the point where it's all okay and possibly just some spilled ketchup and not a wound at all which I also alluded to, somewhat prematurely it seems now but again work with me here just accept that she's hurt, because that always brings out the protective nature you know, oh no the girl is hurt and we're in danger, I must kill everyone and say something pointless but catchy as is my idiom, that sort of thing.
The Velociraptors burst into the basement, each one smartly dressed in a black gestapo death's head uniform, but the death head is like a velociraptor skull not the one you probably think of if you've seen pics of them and whatnot. Close though. Work with me.
And each one held the latest Nazi superweapon, Dr Mobius' deadly rayguns! The Velociraptors began to advance menacingly, the weapons held out before them.
"I think we're done for, Guys," Elder Grimm said. "I knew we would come to regret losing that evil Nazi supervillain Mad Scientist we nearly killed at a previous time but who escaped us at the last minute and I said at that time that he would invent some superweapons for the Nazis that would make us come to regret losing him at that previous time which was the current time at the time I said it but obviously now is a reference to a time in the past, accepting the linear nature of time as it relates to our perceptions."
"I didn't understand most of that, Sir, but I really dig that you said it and you sounded quite sincere so if it came to a vote or something I would back you, and that's not because of the latent penguin homosexual subtext that may or may not be written into my character at a later time if it can be used for comic effect while also yielding a poignant message about current social mores. Oh, and we're all out of ammo. Oh, and Nick said this in case there is no indication of that otherwise."
"I know you said it, Nick, i know your voice. And George has a mouthful of chocolate pudding.
"Now hang on a second, George, where the heck did you get pudding? I mean what the... We're here about to die and you're bringing out meals from nowhere..."
"Sorry, Boss, but I'm fat. So it's like obvious comic effect."
"We're in a basement, about to be shot by Nazi Velociraptors with rayguns!"
Slim George raised an eyebrow, an especially effective physical response on the visage of a walrus honorary-penguin in full suit of traditional Samurai Armor. "You're a penguin, Dude. And we're about the be shot by Nazi Velociraptors with rayguns"
"Point taken, I gotta give you that. We're not going for historical accuracy or authenticity here. Okay, forget all that and keep eating then. Nick, grab your knife and come with me. If we're going down today, we're going down fighting!"
They leapt up together, knives gripped firmly in their fins. The elite Nazi Velociraptors reacted predictably, firing almost as one in a hail of raygun death which no penguin could possible escape... but which is not actually detailed because it has not yet happened, the literary equivalent of a fade to black if you will where the shots are heard just as the blackness descends, a literary device to leave one anticipating the next thrilling installment.
Oh, and in 1924 the 28th US president Woodrow Wilson dies at his home in Washington at 67. And some laws were passed in that year. And in Texas someone raised a barn, somewhere.
And lastly, Elder Grimm's dear half-Polish half-English mother was named Lucy. Irrelevant to the story, but now you know, eh. Mmmmm.
TO BE CONTINUED!